as-i-am-counseling

Bridging the Divide: Navigating Religious Differences with Grace

Fri, 04 Sep 2026 16:50:48 GMT

Watching a loved one step away from the faith that grounds your family can feel less like a minor change and more like a personal crisis. As a parent, spouse, or sibling, you may be carrying a heavy weight: feelings of self-blame, confusion, or a deep-seated fear that the values you’ve worked so hard to pass down are slipping away.

When religious differences create walls between you and those you love, the instinct is often to try and “fix” the situation, which can lead to communication breakdowns, avoidance, or even confrontation. But what if the goal wasn’t to change their mind, but to change the way you interact?

By applying the 5 Cs of Conflict Management—Clarity, Communication, Collaboration, Compromise, and Control—you can shift your focus from “winning the argument” to preserving the relationship that matters most.

1. Clarity: Uncovering the Root of the Tension

Often, our frustration with a loved one’s religious journey is a proxy for something deeper. Are you truly angry about their theology, or are you afraid of losing your shared values? Do you fear the influence they might have on your children, or are you worried about the social stigma of being “different”?

The Shift: Stop focusing on their actions and start naming your own fears. When you identify the source of your discomfort, you stop projecting that anxiety onto your family member and start addressing the actual problem.

2. Communication: Moving from “Fixing” to Connecting

When we feel threatened, we tend to use accusatory language: “You are changing in a way that hurts this family.” This almost always triggers defensiveness.

The Shift: Practice “I” statements that invite vulnerability. Try saying, “I feel nervous when we discuss these topics because I’m afraid of losing our connection.” This creates a safer space for dialogue. Remember, listening is not the same as agreeing; you can seek to understand their journey without having to adopt their conclusions.

3. Collaboration: Finding Shared Ground

You may not be able to force a return to shared beliefs, but you can absolutely collaborate on how you maintain your relationship.

The Shift: Brainstorm activities or topics that have nothing to do with theological agreement. Can you build traditions that focus on family unity rather than doctrine? Agree on “safe zones” where the relationship takes precedence over the theology. Collaboration is about agreeing to build a life together that exists outside of the conflict.

4. Compromise: Letting Go of “Right”

Religious differences can feel like a zero-sum game where one person must be “right” for the other to be safe. Compromise requires accepting that total alignment may be impossible.

The Shift: Relinquish the expectation that they will return to your specific path, and ask for reasonable boundaries in return—such as respecting the traditions you hold for your children. The goal isn’t to convert one another; it’s to create a middle ground where both parties feel their personal integrity is respected.

5. Control: The Power of Self-Regulation

This is the hardest step. It is a harsh truth that we cannot control another person’s faith journey. Trying to force change usually leads to the very thing we fear most: defiance and withdrawal.

The Shift: Channel your energy into what you can control: your own reactions. When you choose to stay calm, avoid impulsive arguments, and approach your loved one with steady kindness rather than reactionary fear, you protect the relationship from the damage of constant conflict.

The Path Forward

Shifting your focus from “fixing” your family member to managing your interaction with them takes time. It requires patience and grace, but it is the most effective way to keep the doors of communication open.

Your relationship is worth more than the distance between your beliefs.

Navigating the Fog: Finding Hope and Healing in Your Faith Transition

Fri, 04 Sep 2026 16:48:16 GMT

If you’re reading this, you might feel like the ground beneath you has shifted. Whether you call it a faith crisis, a transition, or a transformation, the experience is deeply personal and often incredibly lonely.

It’s more than just changing your mind; it’s a disruption of your identity, your social circles, and your very sense of belonging. If you feel like you are grieving, it’s because you are. You are grieving a worldview that once provided comfort and a community that once felt like home.

Understanding this process through the framework of the five stages of grief can offer a roadmap through the emotional upheaval.

1. Denial: The Weight of the Shelf

At first, it’s common to try and ignore the whispers of doubt. We “shelf” the difficult questions, hoping they’ll disappear if we just pray harder or attend more services.

This denial is a survival mechanism—a way to protect our identity and avoid the terrifying thought of losing our community. It’s okay to stay here for a while until you feel strong enough to look closer.

2. Anger: The Fire of Betrayal

Anger often arrives with a sharp sting. You might feel betrayed by an institution you loved or misled by leaders you trusted.

This stage can feel alienating, especially when you see others continuing on as if nothing has changed. Your anger is valid; it’s an acknowledgment that something you valued has been lost or broken.

3. Bargaining: Searching for Middle Ground

In the bargaining phase, we often try to find a way to stay. We look for a more nuanced version of our faith or try to strike a deal with ourselves to keep our social safety net intact.

It’s an exhausting effort to balance your shifting internal identity with the external expectations of your community.

4. Depression: The Void of the Unknown

As the reality of the loss sets in, deep sadness can follow. The absence of a structured belief system and the potential loss of a shared social life can leave a painful void.

It’s okay to sit in this darkness. Healing isn’t a linear upward climb; it’s a roller coaster of low valleys and small peaks as you slowly adjust to a new reality.

5. Acceptance: The Threshold of a New Self

Acceptance is the key to moving through the fog. It isn’t necessarily about finding a new religion, but about coming to terms with the transition itself.

When you accept where you are, you begin the empowering work of building a new identity based on your own authentic values. You start to seek out new communities that offer a different, perhaps more honest, type of belonging.

A Hopeful Path Forward

If you are in the middle of this, please know that you are not alone.

While the journey is difficult, it also leads to incredible growth, clarity, and freedom. You are rediscovering yourself, and that is a brave and beautiful thing.

Be patient with your heart—you are exactly where you need to be to find your new sense of home.

There Is No One Like You

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 22:13:33 GMT

There Is No One Like You

We all have experiences that appear to be similar to others at times. However, our experience in those moments are intimately our own. So matter how similar our struggles and pains may be, we are unique individuals that have our own way of processing our thoughts, pains emotions and desires. No one can experience what we experience within our skin and that makes us one of a kind!

Because we are so exclusive, we can draw comfort in knowing that there will never be anyone like us and that we all have some kind of purpose. It can be challenging to find what truly makes our heart sing, but, while that journey to discovery unfolds across our lifetime, be good to you and find a way to look in the mirror today and say...."Hey, there is no one like you!"

You Have Purpose

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 21:56:51 GMT

You Have Purpose

Sharing Space: Joy & Pain

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 21:53:45 GMT

Sharing Space: Joy & Pain

Oh joy! Sounds good right? Sometimes, just saying it brings a smile to my face. And other times, I admit, I use it rather sarcastically. We all have our days and often it is a struggle to manage the multitude of emotions we experience. If we are not careful we can get stuck in them as well.

It is not realistic to chase constant happiness. Some of my greatest lessons came through experiencing trials and other moments of pain. It is through some of our most challenging moments that we grow in not only experience, but wisdom also. These moments of reflection we can look back upon, appreciate, and even laugh at ourselves from time to time!

We don't have to choose one emotion over the other. Joy and pain can share the same space. We can experience a rough depression, grieve a loss, or face one of the biggest challenges our lifetime and still find happiness in the face of adversity. We all have the capacity to find the silver lining within our storms. And like dark clouds that still have beautiful light shining through, we have to be brave enough to still identify our light within our journey too.

Loving You!

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 21:51:30 GMT

Loving You!

One thing many of us can agree on is we often find caring for and giving love to others easier than giving love to ourselves. Why is that? We seem to offer sound advice to our friends, family, even strangers!...YET...it is often a struggle to stomach our own medicine. Often, we can be seen doubled over, gasping for air, and trembling at the thought of applying our own advice to oneself. Why are we the hardest on ourselves?

We must learn that in our ability to serve, protect, strengthen, and express deep compassion for others, we must do the same for ourselves. As a parent, I often find myself saying out loud, if it's good enough to want for my children, it's good enough to want for myself. After all, I'm someone's child too!

So, in the bustle of the month most symbolic of "love", don't forget to give love to yourself no matter how difficult it may be. Develop words of comfort, love, encouragement and adoration for yourself. As some of candies in the image suggest, try saying "yes" to yourself first, sweet talk yourself, and make a conscious effort to spend time developing self-love. Find something that you personally enjoy doing for fun and relaxation. Here's one I've started recently...Take yourself to dinner sometimes! Ha! I found it awkward at first because I believe we get stuck on developing relationships through the context of others, more so, than learning who we deeply are in our own skin. Whatever the challenge, I think many of us can agree, that we need to do a better job of taking care our ourselves. So, give yourself some

Embracing The Journey

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 21:49:30 GMT

Embracing The Journey

Wouldn't it be nice if we did not have to experience pain? Unfortunately, that is not the case! Pain can be wildly uncomfortable but it can be beautiful also. So, what is it about pain that simply knocks the wind out us? Why do we avoid it at all costs? For many, the striking realities of pain takes us to a side of ourselves that we guard and protect with our life! Its fight or flight, right? However, we can learn and grow from pain. Pain can show us true vulnerabilities within our human nature. If we fall from a tree and happen to hurt ourselves, we know what not to do again, hopefully! In relationships, if we avoid placing unrealistic expectations on others, we can better thrive in difficult times when life gets stressful and unmanageable because we discover our inner strengths and realize our own personal happiness should not rest in someone else's hands. Basically, if I determine that I will not be happy if "this or that" is not in place, then I've ultimately set myself up to be unhappy with anything else that does not comply with "this" or "that". This is a good example of how anxiety and depression can begin to take control in our lives because internally we've told ourselves that peace doesn't exist outside of "my box" therefore, outside of it, there is fear of pain, rejection and being disappointed.

We can send powerful messages to ourselves consciously and subconsciously that may begin to cause dysfunction within our health biologically, psychologically, and spiritually which can affect how we manage life and relate to others socially. Pain is not always beautiful but it can serve to strengthen us in many ways when we embrace what makes us uncomfortable about it. So, the next time someone rubs you the wrong way, even if that person may be wrong in their actions, stop and examine your feelings.

For example, as a mother, I get frustrated when I confront my child about something and they "huff and puff" and roll their eyes. Everything in me sees it as disrespectful and rude and I go all the way back to my childhood where "back in the day" that was just something you didn't do or else! It simply causes me pain to experience such disrespect. So, if I make "no eye rolling" one of "my box" rules, every time they do it, I am going to have a mental meltdown. In this case, I've done nothing but set myself up for failure. Is it o.k that they roll their eyes and be angry at something I have said? Yes. Because in all honesty, I'm probably rolling mine too!

We cannot take away someone's ability to experience an emotion about what we may be communicating. If we do, we indirectly teach our children or our loved ones, "It's not safe to feel". My child will still have to follow the rules but I still need to accept they may not be happy about it, and that's o.k. Going deeper, I then need to examine why I would need them to be happy about what I am trying to communicate. I have to check my own ego to determine what vulnerabilities exist in me that trigger my anger about the situation. In this scenario, it stems back to my inner fears as a child of not being heard or validated. If we are not careful, we can make our loved ones pay unnecessarily for core fears we've carried across our lifetime that has nothing to do with them.

Our inner pains can lead us to make emotional decisions that further cripple ourselves and the ones we love. So, I can respond with brute anger and tackle them down and show them who's boss or I can just learn to be o.k. with the many varying emotions of others. Definitely sounds easier than it is! For me, it's a working progress and I certainly have not mastered it. My kids love reminding me that I'm "helicopter hovering" at times and my oldest child loves to just stare at me and say, "meh" (some kind of minion sound, i think, lol). It's not easy but communication can be easier when we learn to adapt to one another.

Pain does not have to drive us to dark places. Pain can be beautiful when we grow to identify and embrace vulnerable places within us verses running from them. So, try opening "your box". Look at the things that have been stored there throughout your lifetime. What rules of the past have you placed on yourself and others that affect how you manage the present to protect yourself from experiencing discomfort and pain? Pick it up, roll it around, look at it and consider finally working through it. Some things may require the help and guidance of a professional but pain does not have to be a crutch. Embracing the good and the bad within our journey can provide new pathways to healing and a personal sense of freedom. Be good to yourself. Embrace the journey!

Seasonal Blues

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 21:47:30 GMT

Seasonal Blues

Seems to be an endless amount of situations, people, events in life we all can encounter that trigger emotional distress. The holidays are one of many due to strong associations and memories about loved ones that can generate both positive and negative feelings. Gathering with family during the holidays can bring joy and peace but for some it can just as easily drudge up feelings of apprehension, pain and distress.

At some point we all ride the waves along our emotional roller coasters. It is certainly is not limited to holidays. Not getting along with a partner or spouse, surviving parenthood, grief and loss of a loved one, career changes, and so much more. We could go on and on, right? Often, we resolve to deal with what we must and try to keep pushing forward. However, unresolved grief and distress in many cases can cause an individual to label and store these personal experiences in ways that can generate ongoing symptoms of depression, anger and resentment, anxiety, and other mental health symptoms.

Remember, there is hope! Talk to someone. Find healthy ways to get your feelings out. Have your moment! This can include journaling about your feelings, listening to music, drawing or painting, exercise, increasing communication with friends and family, and so much more. If you are struggling to find healthy ways to work through your feelings, do not be afraid to reach out for help from someone you trust to talk to. Your family doctor and other mental health professionals are great resources for support to help to guide you along the way. You do not have to face these struggles alone. You can get through it and there are several ways to access the help that you may need. There is a little saying that my mother always shared with me growing up that I love...."If and when you feel the blues, adjusting it's harmony can completely change its tune". It always brought a smile to my face because of course she had this ridiculously funny dance to go with it, ha!. It had a great ring to it and a reminder that seasons change and so will we in the process. I hope it brightens someone else day too!

A Date With Yourself

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 21:40:27 GMT

A Date With Yourself

We all get stimulated through interaction with friends, people, loved ones. We simply were made for relationship. Whether we are communicating at work, parenting, or out with friends, we are accustomed to having another person on the other side of our conversations.

Although relationship is great, there are times we need to create space to spend with ourselves. Our mental health cannot solely rest on how others are engaging with us every day. There are times when they will not be able to meet our emotional needs and vice versa. I have heard common reports of experiencing depression, anxiety, and a decreased self-esteem due to less stimulation and interaction. Why does this often hit our self-esteem so hard? In a world where we are constantly emotionally rewarded through likes, loves, emojis and entertainment, I feel we have somehow lost our ability to simply be content with ourselves. Subsequently, we have also become uncomfortable with quiet moments.

As a single mom of three and recent empty nester, I came face to face with this crushing reality. I realized my home was always filled with energy and noise. The debates, funny jokes, nerdy conversation over meals; working out, making someone else grab my keys while I'm rushing to get out the door. We are close and we did everything together! I was always responsible for driving my kids to school, doctor visits, performances, a.k.a #allthethings. When my youngest child went off to college, that stopped. I came home from a seven hour drive from his campus to the "quiet". Nothing moved. I couldn't feel any energy. Everything was just still. I felt uncomfortable sleeping in my room so I slept on the couch for the first 6 months close to the front door. I did not feel needed anymore and I did not know how to be alone.

I began to excessively incorporate tasks. I stayed at work longer, developed daily cleaning regimens, workout schedules, and more. Anything to fill the space because I no longer felt "safe" outside of my identity as mom. Who was I before anyway and where in the heck did she go? I started second guessing my choices. Do I go back to making music again? Performing? Dance? Finish writing my books? Start finalizing paperwork for my ministry organizations? It was a mess!

Why now? Why are the things I love so much showing up in the quiet? Now, I'm feeling unfulfilled! Like I have failed somewhere. Was I not on top of the world just 7 hours ago before I dropped my son off? Did I really let being a single mom overrule the creative things inside of me till now? And the dreaded question of all time....what's next? From someone who loves the Lord so much, I began praying for clarity, direction, and peace of mind.

We must learn to be content with ourselves! What I discovered is that I was living "reactively" out of responsibility to meet the needs of others verses carving out purposeful "me" time to live "proactively" in my own life which requires our direct intent. Some individuals may look outwardly to find a partner to fill in the gaps and meet emotional needs but I began to date myself. I did not call friends or family. I sat and processed my feelings and allowed myself to feel and grieve the loss of "the daily mom life". I went out to dinner by myself regularly and felt the initial awkwardness but have grown to love it now!

Through developing relational intimacy with myself, I learned all my gifts and talents were not hidden and coming back to haunt me. They have always been there, just not functional for the season I was in as a full time clinician and single mom. If we aren't careful, we can find ourselves overreacting to our feelings which can present as a midlife crisis sending us into spiraling crevices of misdirection and undefined purpose. So take time for yourself! Learn how to be content outside of those defining identity roles we play as mom, employee, sister, brother, father, boss, caregiver, or supervisor. If we cling too close, when those people or things are gone, we no longer know ourselves.

So, practice carving out time for you this week. Journal and reflect on your thoughts. Sit alone. Eat alone. In the photo I've shared, no one is across the table at one of my favorite places to eat and its intentional. If we learn to be content in silence, we can discover so much about ourselves! So don't be afraid to take time to enjoy all the creative things that makes you "uniquely you" outside of the roles we have in our daily lives!

Am I Suffering Trauma?

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 21:27:50 GMT

Am I Suffering Trauma?

Often when we think of trauma we think in the context of something "bad" that has happened to us and our struggle over time to work through it. But, what happens when we are daily experiencing trauma? Our lives have changed considerably since March of 2020. While mask wearing, social distancing, and sanitization has become our "new normal" (physically), we cannot underestimate the impact these changes have had on our mental health as well.

We all experience trauma in different ways. While some individuals will typically resolve trauma after an impacting "event", others may struggle significantly and begin to develop long-term effects of trauma that may may develop into PTSD. In Chapter 3 of Understanding the Impact of Trauma written by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) it states, "How an event affects an individual depends on many factors, including characteristics of the individual, the type and characteristics of the event(s), developmental processes, the meaning of the trauma, and sociocultural factors" (SAMHSA, 2014). What particularly stands out in this definition right now is "the characteristics of the event". While some traumatic events occur and end, we currently are living in a traumatic situation that has not yet ended. We wake up to it everyday.

What does this mean for us and the way our body responds to stressful events? It means that we can experience increased levels of anxiety, depression, and a state of dissociation and unrest that simply lingers. One of the most common statements I hear right now is, "I don't know what I am feeling and I don't know what is going on with me". There seems to be such an elevated sense of uneasiness that is not quite able to completely resolve.

True, we have physically adjusted to our new environment, but our bodies are experiencing less stimulation due to decreased touch, hugs, connection, intimacy. Lack of connection for long periods of time can affect even the strongest of us. It is no wonder why many people who have never experienced anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares, and severe depression are baffled by the intense impact these symptoms can have on our well-being. While our tolerance of masks and societal adjustments have become largely adaptable. It is not as easy to calm the "powerful mind" and subsequently our physical, mental, spiritual, and social health suffers in more ways than we immediately recognize.

So, what can we do? #1-Make a Plan: Identify what you have lost and determine what you think you need/want or have been lacking during this time. Sometimes, we just need to honestly acknowledge where we are at so we can begin to deal with it honestly and process our emotional grief. #2-Re-Establish Connection: Self-care may have previously been that thing that was negotiable but no longer optional. Whether you are taking scheduled moments throughout the day to just do some deep breathing, positive self-talk, or taking time to do something for oneself, make it a consistent intentional act of self-care. If connection has been limited with loved ones, create an alternative way to connect (cards, scheduled video chats, etc.). Often anxiety occurs when our body longs for the things it used to have. To some degree it needs a new "process of association". Adapting these actions/processes can go a long way in establishing a "new emotional norm" like we have adjusted to new physical and societal norms. By doing this, we tell our minds and body "Hey, I am still here" just in a different way temporarily. #3-Talk it Out: Never underestimate the power of releasing emotions through simply talking. I can't count how many times I've rambled on with a friend and at the end of it all I took a deep breath and said "Man I didn't know I even needed that". Give yourself space and freedom to process your thoughts and feelings.

What cannot go unnoticed is while we are masking our faces, we should consider where we are also masking our feelings. I know for me, the hardest part has been the realization of facing this pandemic on multiple emotional levels I did not expect: through my eyes as a mother, a co-worker, a family member, a community volunteer, a leader, a counselor. Each layer carries it's own sense of grief within it that is undeniable. It's just difficult! So, I've had to give myself a lot of grace throughout this season of change for us as a society. I hope these simple steps also encourages you to take some time to evaluate where you stand, identify needs and wants, and allow yourself to openly process how this "new normal" affects you. Always remember, even in the midst of pain and discouragement, healing and growth is there too!

You can also view this special article in ISSUU magazine pages 32-33! https://issuu.com/fmhca/docs/insession_april_2021

References:

Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (US). Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2014. (Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series, No. 57.) Chapter 3, Understanding the Impact of Trauma. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/

Re-Wiring Our Thoughts to Better Heal

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 21:16:40 GMT

We all have an innate desire to respond to what is happening around us.

UNO! Game!: A Deeper Look at Toxic Communication

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 21:08:11 GMT

UNO! Game!: A Deeper Look at Toxic Communication

Does your communication feel like UNO? Fighting for space to get your point across? Hands on the deck waiting to pull the next card and hoping it's the one that's going to push the other person back far enough to claim a win? Not too far fetched right? We will do anything to get our point across. Let's take a deeper look at the action cards of the UNO deck:

Common Unhealthy Communication Styles:

Skip a Turn: This card involves the inability to sit still and listen which often results in one jumping into the conversation, not allowing the other person to complete their thoughts.

Reverse: This card involves "going back in time" throwing the past into the conversation taking it further away from the "current" reason for the conversation in the first place.

Wild Card (Color Change): This is the classic dismissive and avoidance card. The holder can change the topic/color to anything they want in attempt to gain more leverage, usually not even the topic at hand.

Draw 2 (Staying in Lane): I call this the "One-up/Tit-for-Tat" card. When someone communicates, the other usually has two more examples of a similar behavior or incident often using this card in attempt to "lesson the blow" of being called out.

Draw 4 Wild (Change to Any Color): The ultimate "Shut Down/Shut Out/Slay" card. No listening is happening, personal islands are formed, shields are up, conversation is usually way off topic and can be taken down any lane of thought. Everything that one has ever wanted to express from the moment you met the person is often said.

When no one is listening, communication is lost. Hurt words are thrown and much like the internet it cannot be deleted. The brain methodically bookmarks it all in our browser and when anything similar comes along, we have a "history link" ready to "recall and perceive" other events, people and situations through a lens of pain that may as well be likened to thick frosted glass. We simply cannot see through it and no one else's viewpoint is getting in either. So, where does one start to begin communicating more effectively? I've included 7 helpful tips below:

Listen to hear, NOT to be heard - So much information is lost when we are in our feelings about what is being said. The mind has thus tapped out and preparing for battle responses instead of healthy and productive ones. Practice putting emotions in "neutral" (reserving judgment) so you are able to truly listen to the problem being communicated.
Attack the problem, NOT the person - Remember you are communicating about the problem incident, action, behavior, or lack thereof.....NOT the person. Imagine a person being attacked on all sides burrowed to the ground waiting to come up for air. What condition would that person be in after they get up? A much weakened state right? If there is an important problem that needs to be solved, would you want a weakened person approaching it or a strengthened one? Which would be more capable and motivated to get the job done? It is more productive to attack the problem together, and empower one another with the approach to it.
Manage Your Emotions - Don't take it personal. Are you communicating safety with your body language? Eye rolls, sighs, pacing, slouching, isolating, etc. These are all nonverbal ways to indirectly communicate "I just don't care". This sends a message of disrespect and minimizes the other person's value which are incredible barriers to healthy communication.
Use "I" Statements - Use of the word "You" may as well be finger-pointing with a big foam finger. Communicate what you are feeling using "I" statements. "I feel abandoned when you are not attentive to my needs" is less confrontational than "You are inconsiderate and never pay attention to me". Remember how valuable empowerment can be to the person you would like to meet your needs.
Stay on Topic - Avoid Draw 2, Draw 4. Skip, or Reverse mentality! It is very important to stay in the here-and-now. There is nothing more confusing than time traveling which takes the focus off the present to visit the past. Know what you want to communicate. When in doubt, stick to the 3 Cs of effective communication: Be clear, concise, and consistent. Communication is greatly improved when both parties can trust that the communication process is safe. Consider planning separate times to talk about the past that is agreed upon by both parties.
Check-Ins - Don't wait for tension to build! Check-in regularly so that various matters do not not pile up! Do not assume that ignoring things "here and there" without mentioning it, means the same will be afforded to you. Communicate regularly to avoid the buildup of unspoken transgressions to better minimize miscommunication.
Incorporate Connection - One of my favorite things to teach individuals is the art of connection within disconnection and how to change the atmosphere of arguments and disagreements. Its common that many stand on their individual islands and battle. It does not have to be that way! It is possible to talk about uncomfortable topics in less confrontational ways (doing a puzzle together, going for a bike ride, a walk, etc.) For couples, hold hands, embrace one another, and let your partner know you are safe to talk to even when it's a difficult topic. Difficult conversations are already hard and need increased affection NOT disconnection. Build bridges to connection, not expanses that separate it.

Let's be honest. Communication is not easy. It is often human instinct to defend our own personal agendas. The human ego is REAL and a massive challenge to micromanage. So, give yourself grace and simply practice, practice, practice! I often tell individuals to ask themselves: Are you a safe place to land? It's such a great question. When we are not, secrets are kept, lies can evolve, and true feelings are hidden out of fear that the person we want to talk to simply can't handle it. Therefore, it is important to endeavor to communicate safety which requires the ability to monitor personal defensiveness and manage one's emotions so it does not turn into a battlefield. When things are hard to hear, try to avoid tensing up. Its difficult but its possible to train the brain to "soften" from within first so we can better communicate effectively. If it's real communication, there is no winner or loser, there's progress on a journey together that respects one another's hands on the deck to completion!

Embracing the Journey "Through" Grief

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 20:48:43 GMT

Embracing the Journey "Through" Grief

You don't have to look far to find several views on the stages of grief. The 9 stages of grief, 7 stages of grief, 5 stages of grief...and the list goes on. All of them provide wonderful information on the grief process but as you can see from the image I created above, grief therapy can be compacted into even simpler basic themes: exploring loss, navigating pain, establishing stabilization, and rebuilding hope. The truth, while there are some similarities in the way individuals process grief, everyone experiences grief that is unique to their personal situation.

Two different women may have both lost their mothers, but the way each of those women experience their loss, as well as how they were emotionally connected (or lack thereof) to the person of loss will vary. Grief can generate sadness for some or anger for others, and so on. Though our grief response may be unique, we are somehow imprinted by loss in a way that collectively screams, "I will never be the same". Despite our differences, many seem to rally in unity around that painful reality at the bare minimum. When you think you are alone and no one understands, try to remember that our "personal" grief also has a universal name called "loss" that many can relate to. Community is important and establishing support can help.

Grief...is...hard. It is difficult to even find words for it and truthfully, we are unable to stay the same through it, nor should we. And that's ok. It's not always easy to adjust to the new transition of life without our loved one and/or what we have identified as "loss". Yes, grief can also be present even when have not lost a loved one. Grief has many faces. It is not isolated to death alone and often encompass the same symptoms at varying degrees. The loss of a job, career, relationship, family, pets, and even our health are all several ways in which grief can greatly impact our lives.

The good news is understanding that personal growth can still flourish in the midst of grief. We should not forget that navigating adversity can also be directed into incredible learning experiences that can improve overall well-being and further help develop meaningful practices of mental, physical, and spiritual self-care that can strengthen and empower us.

For many, faith is an important part of the healing process that cannot be discounted. So, finding a mental health professional that honors spiritual application to therapy, prayer and guidance is appropriate and should be welcomed. I cannot help but to reflect on my own recent journey of grief with the death of two family members within weeks of each other. The level of emotional discomfort and pain is STILL unlike any pain or traumatic experience I have ever encountered. I wrestled in disbelief and denial and had no solid ground to stand on other than my faith and trust in the Lord. As a survivor of trauma, Psalm 46:10 has always been a beacon in my life. It follows me wherever I go. I call it my lighthouse scripture. It's such a declaration that reminds me, though I don't understand, He does and He surrounds me with His Presence and love.

Ask yourself, What brings you hope? What is your favorite encouraging quote, keepsake, memory of encouragement, or like me, it could be a scripture. When we embrace our emotions in healthy ways, we can discover peace in the midst of our storms and our personal testimonies may even serve to help others along the way!

Take heart (receive comfort)...

"None of us can escape the reality of how painful loss can be, but we do have the ability to discover healing within our grief"

Processing Trauma

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 20:48:37 GMT

One of the most common questions I often get from my clients wanting to address trauma is, "Where do I start"? That is not an easy question to answer and it honestly varies for every individual. It is important to remember that processing trauma does not always begin with diving right in. There are some legitimate reasons this becomes significant because in more complex terms, when the amygdala is overstimulated, the neural pathways to the prefrontal cortex shuts down and limits the ability to effectively reason or problem-solve. This can lead to further confusion, dissociation, and mental flooding. Working with a trained mental health professional is critical when navigating trauma.

As an analogy, I often have individuals envision trauma in a box. That dreaded box, contained and covered with a lid. Coming into therapy, you don't need to rip off the lid and start rummaging through what's inside. Doing so, can create intense visceral responses that wakes up multiple neural networks surrounding the trauma that may have been secluded for many years. Addressing trauma is a delicate matter. I rather clients see the box, but imagine lifting just one tiny corner revealing a very small space to peer in...eventually. This space is so small that the box would still be dark inside unable to view the contents. For some individuals, they may not even start with the box. The box may be closed off behind a door. That door may be behind another door, and so on and so on. In such cases, we work up to opening the door(s) to where the box is located. The box continues to be opened across sessions as skill building and one's strength increases to engage with more and more of the contents inside. We all know the trauma we hold inside, but we do not have to tackle the full weight of it all at once.

Therefore, it is essential to take care of the mind and body along the way. One of the first steps is generating a toolbox of skills! It involves building the capacity to reset, breathe, and rewire distressing thoughts leading up to contact with trauma. This often begins with working through other manageable distressing thoughts and experiences unrelated to trauma FIRST while working up to more challenging traumatic experiences. The idea is to understand the personal capacity to manage discomfort and distress over time as you navigate the ability to "access, activate, and deactivate" intense and/or uncomfortable memories and emotions. The process can be empowering for many because it begins to welcome back feeling "in control" versus out of control. It is no easy "feat" but, it's possible, and the ability to see hope in the midst of trauma is such a beautiful thing to see my clients experience.

If you have struggled for some time with trauma, don't give up. Know that there are several helpful treatment options you can consider. For more severe cases, some include non-verbal methods of working through trauma to better minimize retraumatization. We all have our own unique challenges and strengths. Trauma can knock the wind out of even the strongest of us. Working on your terms with a trained therapist is the first step in deciding what approach may be the most helpful for you. As always, don't be afraid to reach out. Stay encouraged and talk to someone you trust as needed for support!

To Listen, To Share

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 20:36:29 GMT